How To Communicate With Children

Ways Communicate Without Talking

Young children are in the early stages of developing verbal communication skills, which means they often rely on behavior to express their needs, emotions, and desires. As adults, caregivers, and educators, it’s essential to recognize that behavior is not merely an action but often a form of communication. This understanding helps us respond more effectively to children’s needs, fostering their emotional development and strengthening our relationships with them.

Between birth and age five, a child’s ability to communicate verbally is still maturing. Even by preschool, many children struggle to articulate complex emotions like frustration, fear, or excitement. Therefore, when words fail, behaviors such as crying, hitting, or withdrawing may emerge instead. By interpreting these behaviors as attempts at communication rather than “misbehavior,” adults can better meet the child’s underlying needs.

Behavior as communication can manifest in both positive and negative ways. Positive behaviors, like sharing or giving hugs, communicate feelings of affection or social connection. Negative behaviors, like tantrums or aggression, often signal unmet needs or overwhelming emotions that the child does not yet have the words to express.

Examples Communication Behaviors

1. Tantrums
2. • What it looks like: A child may scream, cry, kick, or throw objects.
   • What it communicates: Tantrums often indicate frustration or overwhelm. The child may be unable to manage strong emotions or navigate difficult situations, such as wanting something they cannot have or struggling with a task. For example, a three-year-old might throw a tantrum in a grocery store because they can’t get a particular toy or snack. Rather than seeing this as “bad behavior,” understanding the child’s frustration and helping them cope with their emotions can lead to better outcomes.
2. Aggression (Hitting, Biting, Kicking)
3. • What it looks like: Physical aggression toward peers, siblings, or adults.
   • What it communicates: Aggressive behavior is a common way for young children to express feelings like anger, fear, or even excitement. A child might hit a peer who has taken their toy because they lack the verbal skills to negotiate or assert their needs. Alternatively, a child might bite out of excitement during play, not understanding how to channel their energy appropriately. Recognizing that these actions often stem from emotional dysregulation or communication difficulties can guide adults toward teaching more acceptable forms of expression, such as using words to say, “I’m angry,” or “I need space.”
3. Crying
4. • What it looks like: Sudden or prolonged crying spells, often without an apparent cause.
   • What it communicates: For infants and toddlers, crying is a primary way to express needs such as hunger, tiredness, or discomfort. As children grow older, crying may signal emotional overwhelm, fear, or sadness. A two-year-old might cry when left at daycare as a way of communicating separation anxiety, or a preschooler might cry after being excluded from a game. Responding with comfort and validation, rather than dismissing the tears, can help children feel understood and supported.
4. Withdrawal or Avoidance
5. • What it looks like: A child may shy away from social interactions, hide, or refuse to participate in activities.
   • What it communicates: Withdrawal often signals feelings of fear, insecurity, or overstimulation. For instance, a child at a birthday party may retreat to a quiet corner, communicating that the noise and activity are overwhelming. In these situations, offering a quieter environment or allowing the child to engage on their terms can ease their discomfort and foster a sense of safety.
5. Clinginess
6. • What it looks like: A child may follow their caregiver everywhere, refusing to be left alone or to engage with others.
   • What it communicates: Clinginess can be a way for children to seek security when they are feeling uncertain or scared. A child going through a significant change, such as starting preschool or welcoming a new sibling, may cling to a familiar adult to communicate their need for reassurance. Providing consistent comfort and gradual exposure to new experiences can help the child build confidence and independence.
6. Refusal to Share or Take Turns
7. • What it looks like: A child may grab toys from others or refuse to let someone else have a turn.
   • What it communicates: Young children, especially toddlers, are just beginning to learn the concept of sharing. Their refusal to share often stems from a fear of losing something they value or an inability to understand others’ needs. A three-year-old might hold onto a toy tightly, not out of selfishness, but because they are still developing the social and emotional skills necessary to navigate turn-taking. Teaching and modeling sharing, rather than punishing the behavior, can help children learn these skills.

Responding To Behavioral Communication

1. Observe and Reflect
2. • Before reacting to a child’s behavior, take a moment to observe what might be causing it. Are they tired, hungry, overstimulated, or seeking attention? Reflecting on the situation can provide insight into what the child is trying to communicate.
2. Validate Emotions
3. • Even if the behavior is disruptive, validating the child’s emotions is essential. Phrases like, “I see that you’re upset,” or “It’s okay to feel frustrated,” let the child know that their feelings are understood, even if their behavior is not appropriate. Children are learning to distinguish their emotions. When their emotions are named for them it helps them distinguish them.
3. Teach Alternative Communication
4. • Help the child find appropriate ways to express their emotions. For instance, teaching a toddler to use words like “help” when they’re frustrated or “I’m mad” when they feel angry can prevent future outbursts. Encouraging the use of simple phrases, gestures, or even picture cards can be helpful, especially for children who are still developing verbal skills.
4. Provide Consistent Routines
5. • Routines give young children a sense of security, helping them anticipate what will happen next. When children know what to expect, they are less likely to feel overwhelmed, reducing the likelihood of negative behaviors. When routines are consistent from one day to the next, children learn the routines faster. This frees up their attention from thinking about what to do next to thinking about talking about what’s happening. Thus, consistent routines facilitate communication development.
5. Model Appropriate Behavior
6. • Children learn a great deal from observing adults. Demonstrating calm and effective ways to handle frustration, conflict, and excitement can teach children healthier ways to express their feelings. Remember, young children are never just acting. They are acting-learning. The progress you want your child to make is to advance from merely expressing emotions to also talking about them. This skill is not learned over night.

Conclusion

Understanding that behavior is a form of communication in young children changes how we respond to them. Rather than viewing challenging behaviors as problems to be fixed, we can see them as opportunities to connect, teach, and support children in their emotional development. By tuning in to what a child’s behavior is telling us, we can better meet their needs, helping them feel heard and understood in a world where their words are still taking shape.