I seem to be at a stage of life when relationships are fading. Maybe that should set off alarms. I’m not alarmed, but I find it interesting as humans are such social creatures. I think I now have about two relationships that are active. I’m becoming a recluse, but a happy one. I keep checking to see if I’m really happy, and I always find that I am. I have some relationships I haven’t maintained, and I feel badly.. It’s not that I no longer like these people, and I do feel they are important to me. More and more it’s getting enough to just exist. This has taken me by surprise, but it’s a nice place to be. At my age I’m fortunate to just be happy at being alive. This is a joy I forgot about as I grew older.
It’s important to remember that the person you are for-yourself is different from the person you are for-someone-else. You are almost totally different people. When I was younger I didn’t understand that well. Other people have a large influence on how one acts, thinks, and perceives the world. I have always been uncomfortable with this. Some people are very comfortable with this influence. They desire to be absorbed into the thoughts and feelings of others. I don’t think I’m distrustful or paranoid. I’ve just always had this belief that the actions and thoughts of others can’t contain me. I seem to be something other than thoughts and actions. But if you ask me of what do I exist, I can’t tell you.
My silence on this question leaves me in a peculiar position. The soul seems even less viable than thoughts and actions for what I call me. Once I was at an Orthodox Christian Bible discussion and a woman asked me why I didn’t become an Orthodox Christian. The only answer I could think of was that the religion is inadequate. I don’t think my answer had much meaning for anyone at the discussion. Eternal life is the main issue for Christians. For me that is a non-issue. This mysterious presence that I recognize as myself is more troublesome for me than eternal life. I’m not demeaning anyone’s beliefs, I’m just talking about me.
It may be best to not worry about who I am. Does life really require such introspection? I doubt it does, but we do it as if it did. That western civilization has developed such high regard for the individual is interesting. Given even the nearest perspective, the individual doesn’t appear this significant. Regardless of the distance of the view, the individual easily gets lost. Even after the individual began to come into view, it took several thousand years to get the focus correct. Even after so many trials, the focus still could be sharper I think.
What’s interesting is that the individual has emerged through the development of the social context. I think that was unexpected. But the individual doesn’t emerge in just any social context. The individual is fragile and easily extinguished. The sense of loss that human beings experience when an individual leaves the nexus of this existence is distinguished by its pain and catastrophe.
For some reason, a human individual can’t exist like an oak tree on a hillside swept by the wind and formed in the elements. That existence we can only envy or maybe be repulsed by it. I try to be like an oak tree, but too many thoughts begin to flood my mind. I begin to think about others. This presence lingers; I can’t rid myself of it. It must be the most peculiar sense one could have. Oak trees seem to get along without it. We are so dominated by this social thing we project it onto about everything. We become connected. I must wander into the mountains and focus my thoughts for several hours to loosen these binding connections. Well, the looser connections certainly feels good.