If knowing what behavior looks like is going to help us, we have to get into the habit of recognizing its different parts when we need to respond to it in our daily lives. Generally, we ignore behavior because we are focused on other things. However, sometimes behavior demands our attention, and we can’t ignore it. At such times, behavior is not subtle in demanding our attention, especially if it is the behavior of our children. In this blog we will be talking about your child’s behavior in a public setting . We will discuss the things you will need to look for and things you won’t. We will talk about a new approach to you child’s public behavior.
Child Behavior in Public
If the child that you are with in public is yours, her behavior has personal meanings for you. Those meanings include what other adults think about your child’s behavior. Not everyone who will be forming opinions about your child’s behavior knows what they see. Their opinions will reflect their ignorance of behavior. Knowing what behavior is and how it works will help you put other peoples’ opinions in perspective. If your child is experiencing a lot of anger, then she needs your help managing her anger. Many parents who encounter this situation in public immediately try to interrupt their child’s behavior. Often what they do interrupts the child’s behavior, but it does not help the child learn to manage his emotions. Rather than merely interrupting your child’s behavior and fleeing the public situation as fast as possible, you can use the situation to help your child learn about her emotions.
Identifying the Antecedent-Response-Consequence
Even though the response is the most obvious aspect of your child’s behavior in public contexts, don’t get overly involved in the response. We have all seen children’s behavior; no one should be surprised. You want to help your child control his response. To do this, you will need to identify the sequence of events that happened where the response is one element of that sequence. Let’s assume you are at a supermarket with your child, and she sees a candy bar. She picks up the candy bar and looks at you. You say, “No, we are not here to buy candy.” Your child begins to cry and beg for the candy bar. Then she begins to scream and yell, “Yes.” Let’s assume this is the event that happened. Other people are beginning to stare at you and your child.
As a parent, it is hard not to feel the glaring eyes of the other shoppers. Some might even say something negative about your parenting. First, you should understand this has nothing to do with your parenting. Also, your child is not being bad, he is just being a child. Your child is learning to control her emotions. She hasn’t mastered that skill. Your job here is to help your child, not to punish her.
You need to next quickly organize the sequence of events in your mind. This will take just a couple of seconds. Let’s look at the sequence. 1) In the grocery store, your child picks up a candy bar and looks at you; 2) You say, “No, we are not here to buy candy;” 3) Your child begins to cry and beg for the candy bar; 4) Your child screams and yells, “Yes.” Let’s identify the antecedent, response, and consequence in this sequence.
First, we want to identify the antecedent that is important for our concern. We may feel like the setting of the grocery store is very important, but it isn’t for helping your child manage her emotions. The antecedent of interest to us is your child picking up a candy bar and looking at you. The fact that you are in a store and that other shoppers are all around are not important.
Secondly, let’s identify the response that is important here. The most important response is your child picking up a candy bar. She has a candy bar in her possession. Her actions that give her possession of the candy bar are important because the candy bar is very likely a prized reward for her. The fact that the reward is in her possession makes it even more powerful for her. For the purposes of helping your child, the fact that she is screaming and crying are not important. Of course, those responses are attracting considerable attention from the other shoppers, but that is their problem. It is enough for you to know your child is upset.
Now, let’s identify the consequence. The consequence is you saying, “No,” and not giving your child the candy bar. The consequence is that he lost the candy bar. It’s important to correctly identify the response, because it will give us clues about helping your child. It should be easy to see that if you don’t correctly identify the antecedents, the response, and the consequence, then you can’t help your child.
Identifying the Problem
What is the problem in the above sequence? There are several problems for you here but we need to identify the one that will help your child learn to control her emotions. The other customers staring at your child scream is a problem, but it won’t help us. The fact that your child is yelling “No” at you in a grocery store is another problem, but it is not one that will help us help him. One could say that your child is being “bad” and that being “bad” is a problem. Again, that may be but it won’t help us help her. The fact that your child is getting angrier by the second is a problem, but it is not the one that will help you. Actually, the problem that will help you is the fact that your child is not controlling his emotions. If your child had controlled his emotions, you would not have a problem. When I witness a situation like this, I see a child who is learning to control his emotions. I don’t see a child who is acting out or being “bad.”
Finding a Solution
Your child lost control of her emotions when you closed the door to the possibility of her getting a candy bar that she wanted. Upon being told, “no,” he began to scream and cry. You can shut down the crying and screaming fast by simply letting her have the candy bar. However, that will reinforce a new antecedent (the response to your consequence of saying, “no”). That will strengthen the new antecedent (screaming and crying), and the next time you go to the grocery store you will have a bigger problem. That is one solution but not the solution we want. The solution you want is to open up the possibility of your child getting the candy bar. However, you want her to get the candy bar on your terms and not on hers.
Parents encounter a trap at this point of the interaction that involves their sense of authority as a parent. Being the parent of a child involves much responsibility. As a parent, you have a need to feel you have the authority with your child to fulfill those parental responsibilities. As a parent, it is easy for your concern to shift from helping your child manage his behavior to maintaining your authority. In this situation, you have said, no, and you may feel your child should comply. That’s true but not backing down is not the only way to maintain your authority. As the situation stands, you and your child are in a win-lose situation. You can change that to a win-win by giving your child a choice, something he has not had in this situation.
First, you want your child to show some self-control. Giving the candy bar to your child right now requires no self-control from your child. Here, you make your child part of the team deciding what groceries to buy. In the past, you have probably just brought your child shopping without asking her what groceries she would like to buy. Your child has never had input to what will be bought at the grocery store. Explain to your child what groceries “we” have to find. Explain that when “we” find those groceries “we” will come back, and he can choose what candy bar to buy if he does this without crying or screaming. Tell your child that the candy bar has to be paid for before she eats it. Let her hold the credit card and the candy bar while you go through the checkout line. Let her purchase her candy bar herself.
Now, the sequence for the antecedent-response-consequence is quite different. The sequence goes as follows: 1) You explain to your child the conditions for getting the candy bar (finding the groceries to be bought, not crying or screaming); 2) Finding the groceries and selecting the candy bar; 3) Purchasing the candy bar (holding the candy bar and credit care, purchasing the candy bar). In this sequence, your child learns to control her emotions and to be part of the shopping team instead of a bored tag-a-long who uses her emotional outbursts to manipulate the situation.
Daily Living Activities
Being able to recognize the parts of behavior as it is occurring gives you options as a parent. You can then use those options to teach your child to control his behavior and emotions in daily living situations. You will be surprised how much your child values being part of daily living activities, such as shopping for groceries. Daily living activities are often merely boring times for younger children. They are something they have to learn to endure. By making your child an active participant in these activities, you can manage his behavior and teach him many important life skills.